I have this irrational fear that Ray is just gonna show up out of nowhere and I won't know what to do. I'm pretty sure that won't happen. Daisy and Big Ray have already assured me that they don't want to be in the middle of Ray's "baby mamma" business - they just want to be good grandparents. So far they have done exactly that, so I have no reason to doubt them--hence the "irrational" description of this fear.
Anyway--so I had a dream last night. Whenever I have these types of dreams (and by that I mean dreams that I wake up remembering vividly and can't get them out of my head), I write them down. I don't know if you remember the last time I blogged about one of those dreams, but it was really...interesting. Turned out to be pretty indicative of my life at the time and the way it would eventually be headed. I put a lot of stock into these types of dreams and, historically, they have been rather accurate--to a scary, "I just got goosebumps" extent. So here it is.
I was on a boat with Gabe and my luggage, on my way to Daisy and Big Ray's house. [why I would need to take a boat to get to Arizona is beyond me] They took a boat also, and we met up on the water. When they got closer, my heart leaped and then sank. Ray was on the boat with them. "Surprise!!" Uhh....what?! These boats were passing (as in--not going to stop to let me switch boats) and I had to transfer myself, Gabriel, and our stuff or I'd be screwed. I HAD to get on their boat. Gabe was asleep, so I handed him to Daisy and then Big Ray helped me with the bags.
We started heading back to their house. I was in shock. I didn't know what to do. Ray was there. Right there. Out of nowhere, he shows up in our lives and I don't know what to do or say. This boat was rather big and had several rooms, so we laid Gabe down to sleep and went back up to the deck. Ray acted like everything was great and he seemed pretty happy to be there. I didn't know how to respond to that. I hadn't prepared myself for this situation. They all sorta teased me a little because I was being so quiet, which is not like me.
We finally got to Daisy and Big Ray's house and it was nighttime. I took Gabriel inside and laid him down to sleep. It was so weird seeing him and Ray in such close proximity. To be able to look from one to the other and see their physical similarities made my head spin. I just didn't know how to deal with it. Daisy noticed and commented on their twin features. I smiled and said "Yeah--they look like a father and son." I shuddered.
We eventually all went to bed and woke up to Big Ray cooking us breakfast the next morning. He needed something from the grocery store and Daisy was unavailable (in the shower? I don't remember), so Ray volunteered to buy. He can't drive, though, so I got voluntold to drive him to the store. We picked up whatever it was that Big Ray needed and started heading back to the house. As I was driving, Ray pulled out this HUGE bag full of weed. Seriously--the biggest bag of marijuana I have ever seen. It was in one of those giant gallon-size freezer zip lock bags. My heart jumped out of my chest.
"Holy crap! Put that away!"
"Oh stop--it's not that big of a deal."
"Seriously, Ray. Get rid of it!"
He ignored me and pulled out a big, gold pipe. The pipe was huge! I mean ridiculously huge. Comical, almost. If we were in Wonderland, it would still look out of place. So he packed the pipe and lit up. I was so pissed! If we got pulled over, I would get in trouble too because I'm the driver! He didn't care though (as usual) and he started smoking the pipe, effectively hot boxing the car. I couldn't breathe. I was suffocating - and not the "OMG I'm breathing in smoke." suffocating - could not breathe at all. He saw me and just laughed and cracked the window. The smoke dissipated and I was finally able to breathe again. I told him to stop smoking the pipe and get rid of it. Of course, he refused and told me to chill out.
I turned on to Daisy and Big Ray's street and what's there waiting for us? A cop. Right by the corner. Looking right at us. He took one look at Ray and the pipe and the giant bag of weed and his jaw dropped. It was easy to tell that he couldn't believe what he was seeing. I knew what was coming, so I finished turning the corner and pulled over. The police officer turned on his lights and whopped his siren anyway. My stomach fell. All I could think was "Holy crap holy crap holy crap holy crap.....I'm done for. This is it. My life is screwed from here on out. What's going to happen to me? What about my son?! What will my family think? What a JACKASS!! Why did I let my guard down? How could I trust him?! What will they do with MY BABY!??!"
Daisy and Big Ray heard the siren and came out of the house. The cop got out of his car and approached Ray's window. He didn't even put down the pipe. He defiantly looked that cop right in the eye and said "Is there a problem officer?" My head was reeling. I was frozen. For the umpteenth time this trip, I didn't know what to do. The officer told Ray to step out of the car and another officer (more had arrived out of nowhere) confiscated the marijuana and the pipe. Ray didn't seem to be surprised or upset. He just got out, let the cop grab him, search him, and cuff him and then lead him to the back of the police car. Ray's parents were confused and upset. They yelled at him, "What the hell, Ray?! What are you THINKING!!?!?!" They looked at me for answers. I was petrified and couldn't speak. I just knew I was next. They were going to cuff me and haul me away and I wouldn't even get to see my son or say goodbye and tell him Mommy loves him.
But they didn't. They grabbed Ray and the weed and the pipe and left. Didn't touch me or say a word to me.
When I was able to move again (it took a minute for it to sink in), I looked around to see if there was an officer waiting to arrest me. I couldn't believe it. They let me go! Just like that! I ran inside and grabbed Gabe from his bed and held him and hugged him. I was so relieved.
And then I woke up.
It was such a weird dream. It has been swimming around in my head all morning. All I can get out of it is that, if a situation does arise where Ray shows up out of nowhere, I need to stand my ground and stick to my guns. I can't let my guard down with him. He's selfish and irresponsible and he will take anyone close to him down with him. I only narrowly escaped last time. I got out of that relationship while the gettin' was good. It was right before I left Texas that he started getting into heavy, hard stuff that I wanted nothing to do with. He started hanging out with the wrong sort of people. He would have drug me down with him and I may not have realized it until it was too late. I think I'm smart enough to see when I'm in a really bad situation, but who knows? Hindsight is 20/20, but when you're right in the thick of it, it can be hard to tell which way is up.
Here's to hoping this
dream nightmare never comes true! *clink*