Thursday, February 17, 2011

Neighborly Dispute

I'm sorry.  (<--I'm NOT sorry) I have to vent.

My neighbor is a douche nozzle. 

(There are so many other fitting names and descriptions that I would love to call him, but I'm making an effort not to be so offensive publicly....)

Seriously, though, he is SUCH a little wiener.

We live in a culdesac. The "bulb" of a culdesac, no less. Parking's a bih. It sucks for everyone. Almost everyone has a garage, though, so it only really sucks if you have multiple vehicles. My JACKASS of a neighbor thinks that it's okay for him to park his big dumb jeep (compensating much?) way over the line and into our driveway. He is convinced that he is parking in what he believes to be his driveway. Well, common sense (which is apparently NOT common 'round these parts) says that the big line in the cement divides the driveways in neighborhoods like this. Now, that particular line (the one that divides ours and LeIdiot's driveway) is kind of weird--but it is a very clear line nonetheless. We were told by the owner of the house we live in, aka our landlord, that it looks weird but it's part of our plot--so definitely park there. Our landlord has had issues with this guy in the past because LeIdiot wrapped a rope around a tree and pulled it out with his big dumb jeep. The tree did not belong to him--it belonged to our landlord and was planted on his land. LeIdiot didn't like the tree and thought it was ugly so he took it upon himself to yank it out along with about 15 square feet of grass. Oh, are SUCH A JACKASS.

So LeIdiot has been parking in that little chunk of our driveway for a while now. We didn't say anything and didn't really care because, until recently, we only had one vehicle which we parked in our garage so there wasn't any issue. Well we recently bought a second vehicle. I park my car in the garage and McKay parks his car on the weird driveway chunk so that I can still pull out without him having to move the car. Makes sense, right? LeIdiot comes home one day and sees that his convenient (albeit illegal) parking space is occupied (by the people who have the legal right to park there, no less) and his panties twist into all kinds of uncomfortable knots. 

[This is me not caring.]

My jerk-off of a neighbor goes down every avenue possible to get his way (aside from talking to us....) He talked to the Home Owners Association - they laughed in his face and told him they weren't going to get involved. One guy who knows McKay's mom took a tidbit of mercy on him and told him he would talk to my mother in law and see if she would talk to us. LeIdiot thought he had taken a step forward with this move. Boy was he wrong. My mother in law is NOT the type to mess with. And when you try to mess with her kids, she takes it personally. Now, she lives two doors down from us and has been in that house for over twenty years. She knows EVERYONE. She told our lovely HOA man "Look - I've known every single person who has ever lived in those houses and no one has EVER complained about that parking area. Everyone knows it belongs to unit *** (us). Now, I can mention it to McKay, but the answer is going to be 'No.' He has every right to park there and he will continue to park there." HOA guy laughs, shrugs and says "Alrighty then!"

So HOA turns into a dead end for LeIdiot. He goes to the county and gets a plot map. Plot map is crap. It's from '89 and shows no clear lines. It doesn't even have all units/houses on it. Plot map is a no-go. He goes every which way and then finally, he knocks on our door.

Oh goodie...

Well would you believe this sucker had a puppy in his hands? A PUPPY!! Is that supposed to soften me up and make me melt into a pile of forgiving goo and say "Oh yes douche tard--you can park in our driveway--if you let me pet the puppy! Aww googly googly goo..." Well he picked the wrong person. I don't go for that sappy crap. Cute dog--what do you want? He says "Sooo....looks like we have a little bit of a problem with the parking situation here. You guys seem to be parking in our driveway." Ummm excuse me? Since when is that YOUR driveway? You are mistaken, sir. Good day.  (<--I wish.) So he goes on and on about how his wife is really short and she has a hard time seeing when she backs out and when we park there it's hard for her to get out. Really dude? Sounds to me like your dwarf of a wife shouldn't be driving then, buck-o. But that argument is total crap. She has PLENTY of space to back out of the driveway. She has to curve a little, but so does EVERYBODY in the bulb of the culdesac. LeIdiot's wife is not special. He says "Well, I spoke with the HOA (trying to make us think that he actually made progress there, but we know the truth. He got bubkes.) and they said that if you are blocking the line of sight to our driveway, you're parked illegally." Uhh...we aren't blocking the 'line of sight' to your driveway. And that's bull crap anyway--nobody in this culdesac has a clear line of sight into their garage, you wiener. So I said "You know what? There's no resolution to this that will make everyone happy. There's the line in the pavement. You stay on your side and we'll stay on ours. We were told that this is part of our driveway, so we're going to park here." And then I fake-invited them to dinner at La Jolla Groves with us. Sometimes I'm mean.

So LeIdiot keeps hitting dead ends. It's not his spot and he knows it. For some reason, he thinks he can bully us into parking somewhere else. Poor, sad, ill-educated little man.... So we continue parking in our spot. LeIdiot decides to park so close to McKay's car that he can't even open the door (and LeIdiot has PLENTY of room in his driveway). McKay starts backing into the spot so LeIdiot cannot block the door. Another dead end for jerk-off. So he comes to our door again. Knocks. I check the peep hole and see that it's him and walk right back into the kitchen to finish dishing up dinner. I told McKay and his mother (she was over for dinner) who it was. We all chuckled and continued on with our dinner. LeIdiot continues to knock louder and louder and eventually gives up. McKay took the trash out a little bit later and guess who was outside? Yep. He says "I knocked on your door earlier. How come you didn't answer?" McKay says "I was eating dinner." Dumb neighbor makes some really stupid remarks that I (regrettably) cannot remember and my dear, sweet husband snaps back at him with his whip-quick wit (man, I wish I could remember what he recounted to us when he cam back inside!!) and LeIdiot is left speechless in his driveway.

Now for today's shenanigans. So I'm talking to McKay on the phone while he's driving home from his ROTC lab and McKay says "Ugh...guess where [LeIdiot] is parked?" "No way!" I said as I threw on a coat and head out the front door. Yup. LeIdiot is parked in that spot. So McKay pulls up behind him and parks in what is indisputably OUR driveway, effectively blocking the big dumb jeep in. (That's what you get when you park illegally.) As McKay is getting out of the car and walking up the driveway, LeIdiot pulls up in his brother's big huge truck (what is it with the men in that family compensating for their male failure with large, ridiculous, unnecessary vehicles?) and parks in his driveway--imagine that! HIS OWN DRIVEWAY! McKay and I both saw him, but we ignored him and started walking into our house. LeIdiot says "Hey! C'mere a second." McKay turns around (he's pretty awesome looking in his Army ACUs--all of the neighbor kids stopped playing to watch him "Is that guy in the ARMY?!") and takes a few steps toward LeIdiot "Yeah?" LeIdiot hands him a rolled up and rubber-banded paper "The plot map from the county." McKay looks at it. He looks at LeIdiot. "What's this for?" "So you can see." "Okay, whatever dude." And he turns back around to walk to the house. LeIdiot says "Hey in the meantime, you need to move your vehicle-" "No I don't. I'm parked in MY driveway." "Yeah, but you're blocking my jeep." And then, without even looking back McKay holds the rolled up map in the air and says "Better consult the MAP." And walks inside the house, leaving LeIdiot standing speechless in the driveway again. (We weren't blocking him in. All he had to do was pull forward and then turn the wheel to the left to back out.)

So we unroll this map and take a look at it. It was drawn and signed in 1989. It doesn't even fully match the actual neighborhood. This is a map of how the neighborhood SHOULD HAVE been built. The developers decided to squish in a few extra units to make a couple of extra bucks and now everything is skewed so this map means jack diddly as far as we're concerned. We rolled the map back up and put a note on it that said "If you have an issue, take it up with our landlord." and taped it to his front door. LeIdiot decides to call our bishop. I know--what a WIENER, right?! Our bishop is an attorney, so he thinks he can stamp some legal bull crap on us, but he can't. Bishop comes over (we didn't even know this until McKay's mom called us and told us she was sweeping her porch and saw Bishop pull up....then she watched everything from her front window) and he goes over the map and walks the lines and tries to make sense of the plots. He gets nowhere. After about twenty or thirty minutes of heel-to-toe steps around the two driveways, Bishop leaves. I'm sure if he had found anything that was enforceable, he would have come and said something to us. But he didn't. I really felt like going and knocking on LeIdiot's door and doing a big "Nya-nya-nya nah nya-nya!"

Nothing for a while. We thought it was over for the night. Nope. We get a knock at the door--it's a police officer. WOW. Really? The cop basically says that it's private property, so there's really nothing he can do about it, but he does have to respond to the call. We WERE partially parked on the sidewalk, which is public property, so we did need to move our car up a little. There were five or six people in our neighborhood parked over their driveways onto the sidewalk at the time. The cop says he's not about to start writing up a bunch of citations for this crap, but he would appreciate it if we moved our vehicle off of the sidewalk since there was a complaint about it. I was so freaking annoyed. WHAT A WIENER!! I'm actually glad that the cop came, though. He confirmed a very important piece of information: there's nothing the cops can do about it. Private property line disputes are not in their jurisdiction and not their problem. Sweet. Good to know. So McKay went out to move the car and I went out to guide him. I was on the phone with McKay's mom telling her that LeIdiot called the police. She shushes me, worried that LeIdiot and his wife may be watching or listening. "Oh, their garage door is open. I bet they're lurking around somewhere watching and listening to everything that I'm saying. I don't really care. They're being petty and immature and I hope they can hear me." McKay pulls in just off the driveway and happens to be just far enough over to make LeIdiot happy, because just then he happens to walk outside to see that we've moved. This douche has the gall to say "See? Now THAT is acceptable." in his most 'I just want things to be civil/done my way' voice. I wanted to walk over to him and punch him in the balls face.

I told him "[LeIdiot], I don't care what you think. Talk to our landlord." And he says "I've tried calling him. He won't answer." That's probably because he hates you, dude, because you're a drama queen and a jackass. "Not my problem."  "Well maybe you could talk to him and have HIM call ME."  "No. I'm not going to do that. YOU'RE the one with the problem. YOU talk to him." And we walked back inside.

If he wants to play hardball, I'm totally game. He picked the wrong family to mess with. It is obvious that he is being petty. He drove his brother home and brought the truck back to park it in his driveway so the cop would come and it would look like his jeep was totally blocked in. Now, if his original argument about his wife having a hard time getting out is the real reason for this dispute, why on earth would he park his brother's truck there? Now she's completely blocked in.  Even if the truck wasn't there, his argument doesn't stand. When we park in OUR spot, we still stay on our side of the line and she has plenty of room to get out. When he parks there, he parks his jeep half on his side of the line and half on our side. At that point, his wife has a much more difficult time backing out than she would if we were parked there...on our we always do.

He's just being a petty, immature jerk. He thrives on drama and continues to prove it day after day. (He has even been meddling in our landlord's divorce! The man came to our house and demanded that we let him in so he could crawl up into our attic and get some papers that our landlord's soon-to-be ex wife hid there. Uh-no. Get the hell off my front porch. That's a whole other ball o' wax though...)

I can't wait until karma turns around to give him what he deserves. But then, maybe he's already getting it. He's a tiny, ugly little man and his wife is a bih. I'm thinking it pretty much sucks to be him.

1 comment:

  1. Ahhh! Your neighbor is a psycho! I actually laughed out loud a couple times while reading this. Crazy!