Thursday, May 13, 2010

All along you know you thought you got the best of me--you were wrong and I'm laughing right in your face

I have been doing a lot of thinking lately. The past year or so of my life has been...trying....to say the least. I have learned and grown a LOT. In many areas of my life, I've done a complete 180. For so long I was so sad about Ray and the way he was handling (or NOT handling) things. Sad? No--I was completely distraught. Shattered. Weeping on a daily basis. Most of the time, I couldn't decide if I was more angry with him or more sad. I listened to this song an inordinate amount of times (I've posted it on the updated playlist at the bottom of this post for your listening pleasure):

False Pretense
by Red Jumpsuit Apparatus

Oh, it's time to let it go

The world's got a funny way of turning 'round on you
When a friend tries to stab you right in the face
Losing faith in everything I thought I hoped I knew
Don't sweat it, {it was} set on false pretense

Betrayed but not gonna be willing to change
And it doesn't seem likely to fade
Betrayed but not gonna be willing to change
Cu-cu-cu-cuz you know...

It's sacrifice
False pretense you'll learn again
Stop pretending, don't deny it
False pretense you'll learn again

All along you know you thought you got the best of me
You were wrong and I'm laughing right in your face
I cannot believe you claimed you were my family
Don't sweat it - it's set on false pretense

Betrayed but not gonna be willing to change
And it doesn't seem likely to fade
Betrayed but not gonna be willing to change
Cu-cu-cu-cuz you know...

It's sacrifice
False pretense you'll learn again
Stop pretending, don't deny it
False pretense you'll learn again

Oh, it's time to let it go

I can't seem to understand it how you turned out to be so cold
You tried but were caught red handed, are you happy with your role?
It's funny to me how you've turned into such a joke...

It's sacrifice
False pretense you'll hurt again
Stop pretending, don't deny it
False pretense you'll hurt again

So play the game until you run out
And play the game into my hand





I liked it. A lot. It made me feel...like I had more control over the situation. I applied the song to the way I felt about Ray at the time and it made me feel sane again. I connected with every single line of each verse. It made me feel like I had things figured out and I was over it and ready to just say "Whatever. Shove it." I wasn't, but it made me feel that way and anything felt better than wanting to cry myself into a dehydrated stupor. Feeling like I understood why I felt the way I did made me feel SO much better.

Since Gabriel was born, I've spoken on the phone with Ray once. We've chatted a few times on messenger and facebook (he keeps deleting me and adding me back again...don't know why...don't really care either). He's very wishy-washy and unstable. He says he wants to be there for Gabriel and be a good dad, but he goes weeks and sometimes months without so much as calling or emailing or texting or ANYTHING to simply ask how Gabe is doing. And how long has it been with his other children? Seth and Emma don't even know who he is!! Of course, Ray blames Racheal for that. Nothing is ever Ray's fault. He has never sent anything to help support Gabriel--not one dime. Not that I expect anything from him, because I really don't. I would be absolutely SHOCKED if he ever sent so much as five dollars, let alone enough money to feed his son or buy a pack of diapers. From the day I found out Ray has had two other children this whole time, I knew I would be doing this without his help. Every time he says "I'm going to really be there for Gabriel. I want to be a good dad for him--I can do better this time...blah blah blah..." I just think "Yeah--I'll believe it when I see it." I got my hopes up too high, too fast in that first month after Gabriel was born and Ray was showing somewhat consistent interest. Now I'm just taking everything with a grain of salt. If Ray actually does what he says he's going to do, I guess it will just be an unexpected surprise. I don't think it will happen. Ray has gotten himself into quite a pickle--I don't know how he's even gone this long without being caught. (Not really my concern though...)

One thing that I keep coming back to is, how long do I just sit here and let him make empty promises? Right now, Gabriel doesn't really know the difference. He will in a year or two though--and what then? Do I continue to let Ray slide by being an absentee parent? The decision I've come to for the time being is that I will give Ray a chance to be a father to his son until Gabriel starts understanding the situation. After that, if Ray hasn't made an effort, I have to step in to protect my son from being hurt by him. I will not allow him to come and go whenever it's convenient for him. Gabriel needs love and stability. The relationship (or lack thereof) that Ray has with his son will be completely up to him. I won't do anything to help or hinder it unless Ray's lifestyle becomes unacceptable or inappropriate or unhealthy for Gabriel to be a part of. I will let Gabriel form his own opinion of his father--whether it turns out to be positive or negative will, again, be up to Ray. I will keep my opinions to myself. I will answer any (appropriate) questions Gabe may have about Ray honestly and without bias.

How did I get myself into this situation?




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2 comments:

  1. I love the many faces of your blog! I also enjoy reading about your life. I feel like I know you really well :D

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  2. That last paragraph is perfect~! I wouldn't have said it any better!!! I'm always hear to talk to if need be!

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