Sunday, September 20, 2009

I can only hang on for so long...

Every once in a while, I completely lose it. Maybe it's the hormones. Maybe I'm just crazy. I don't know--but it sucks.

I'm in Hawaii now. (Oahu is gorgeous, but that is for another post) It's time to start doing the mommy/pregnant lady thing and buy baby stuff. I have been so excited and anxious for this!! I mean, seriously--have I not been waiting to be able to do this for MONTHS?!

Well, my mom and I have been running around like crazy for the past week trying to get things settled and squared away. I finally got things figured out as far as medical coverage is concerned, which was my main concern. There have been a million things to do every day, and it has been exhausting!! Thankfully, tomorrow is Sunday, and my mom and Mike are very serious about the Sabbath being a day of rest.

Anyway, I bought some baby stuff! Not much--just a boppy pillow (the U-shaped ones that you use for breast feeding and such) and a set of really cute onesies. Little did I know, I would be hit by a freight train later on that (this) evening because of my purchases.

It's the same vicious cycle! I keep going in circles!! Get me off of this horrible, gut wrenching, psychologically damaging ride!! I'm so SICK of crying!

Most days, I'm fine. I don't think about it (him) at all. Even if I do, it's with calm, adult composure. But every once in a while I let myself think about the absolutely heartbreaking stuff and I. Just. Lose it.

Today was one of those days. I let myself think about the fact that I'm here in Hawaii depending on my parents again for a place to live and other basic necessities. I'm 23 years old!! I'm 33 weeks pregnant. The father of my child has chosen to be absent from our lives (which I see as a blessing a lot of the time--but today was not one of those times). I have no one. No one but myself (which isn't true--I have very supportive and loving family and friends, but you don't remind yourself of those things when you've completely lost it and you're draining every sort of liquid/goo from all of the holes in your face).

All I could say between sporadic cry-breaths and hysterical sobs was "How could he?"

I will never understand it. I'm not sad about Ray anymore. That's a lie. I am sad about him--but not in a way or strength that would make me cry about it. Not anymore. I am sad for my son. I am sad for Seth and Emma. And, yes, I am sad for myself. Of all people--of all men--why did it have to be one that was capable of just walking away from a life he helped create? Why did it have to be him?

How did I get here? How did it come to this? My life is in shambles and I have no idea how to even BEGIN to pick up the pieces, let alone put them back together. Can't I just get a new one? One that isn't broken? Nope. You broke it, you bought it. ... I broke it. I did. I made decisions that led me to where I am now.

I HATE knowing that.

In my defense, I was in love with a man that I had every reason to believe existed. I loved him fiercely. I love him so much. So much. I am 100% positive that I know the exact evening that I became pregnant. I know it. He knows it. I let him do it. I thought to myself, "I love him so much! If I get pregnant from this, then so be it." And I let him. Part of it was that a child was something I wanted to give to him. He had said to me, many times, that he wanted to settle down. He wanted a family. He wanted to have a family and a life with me. So I let him do what he did. We both know very well how and when I became pregnant.

Fast forward months down the road to where he decides to quit communicating with me.

My Heart=shredded.

I don't want him back. I never really did. But I want him to want Gabriel. I want him to love my son. HIS son. OUR son.

But the reality is that he doesn't care. He turned his back on us and walked away. He chose drugs and alcohol and sex (with a CRACK WHORE) and video games. And why? Because he can. He doesn't care because he doesn't have to care. He is a lazy and selfish man. I'm not even sure if he knows what he is doing, so I guess we can add psychologically imbalanced to the list--and I don't say that lightly. I really do think he has some mental issues. Maybe it's PTSD from Iraq. Maybe it's something else. I don't know.

Anyway, I cried my face off today. My heart hurts.

To all the girls in the world who were left to deal with pregnancy on their own by a man too immature to come to grips with reality--I am here with you. To those who have to deal with finances, wondering if you'll be able to give your child everything he needs, hoping you've got enough money saved up to pay for diapers for a few months until you can start working again--I feel your anxiety. To those of you wondering if you will ever find a man that will truly love you and your little one--we're in the same boat.

It hurts so much because I loved him and I thought he loved me. But he doesn't and he never did. It hurts even more because the man I loved never really existed--it was a mask that I was in love with. A fake. A shell of a man filled with lies and false hope and love. I was deceived. Betrayed. And that hurts the most.

My thoughts turn to Racheal and the heartache and pain and struggles she endured. It was worse for her (and I know she hates it when I say that). But it's true--it was much worse for her. She was married to him. She has TWO children from him. He walked away from a child he knew. He hurt her--and not just on the inside. She had to pack up and leave with a three-year-old and a baby on the way. She made it though. She has another beautiful child with a wonderful man who loves both her and her children--all of them. Racheal is an inspiration. I can only hope at this point that I, too, can be happy again with a man that will love me AND my little angel.

Until then, it's just Gabriel and me. But I know things can get better. And they will. For now, I will just love my little boy and make the most of what I have (which, all things considered, is a lot--and I am grateful for it).


A new playlist (located at the bottom of this post) song:

Broken
by Lindsey Haun

Wake up to a sunny day
Not a cloud up in the sky
And then it starts to rain...
My defenses hit the ground
And they shatter all around
So open and exposed

But I found strength in the struggle
Face to face with my trouble

When you're broken 
In a million little pieces
And you're tryin'
But you can't hold on anymore
Every tear falls down for a reason
Don't you stop believin' in yourself
When you're broken

Little girl, don't be so blue
I know what you're goin' through
Don't let it beat you up
Hittin' walls and gettin' scars
Only makes you who you are
Only makes you who you are

No matter how much your heart is aching
There is beauty in the breaking

When you're broken 
In a million little pieces
And you're tryin'
But you can't hold on anymore
Every tear falls down for a reason
Don't you stop believin' in yourself
When you're broken

Better days
Are gonna find you once again
Every piece will find its place

When you're broken
When you're broken...

When you're broken 
In a million little pieces
And you're tryin'
But you can't hold on anymore
Every tear falls down for a reason
Don't you stop believin' in yourself
When you're broken

...When you're broken...






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1 comment:

  1. Ashley,

    Hey girl, It's been awhile since I have talked to you. I just want you to know that you are awesome and I think you will be a great mom. Don't give up, life is hard sometimes, just try to remember the good times and good moments and try to overcome the rest. you can do it!

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