I was thinking about how I need to start packing (blah) and getting things ready for the big move. What a BIG move....! I was thinking about how excited I am to get to Hawaii--a new place, I get to see my mom, I'm getting OUT of this stinking apartment(!!), I can finally start getting baby stuff....and then it hit me.
Not this again.
Baby stuff. Baby. Me. No one else. I'm all alone. There is no "him". No "daddy". At least not one that cares. I got to thinking (I shouldn't have let myself go there....) about how hard this is going to be. Not that I haven't thought about that before--it was the ALL CONSUMING thought that engulfed my spring and early summer. I thought about the fact that no one is throwing me a baby shower here before I leave. There is sure as hell not going to be anyone in Hawaii that will do it (or even come for that matter). And that made me sad. It's not that I'm greedy or that I want people to buy me stuff--though it is a huge help, especially with your first child--it's just that it's one more thing that is usually a part of the whole process that I won't get to experience.
On a very long list of things.
I let myself think about that list and totally broke down into tears. I was sad and angry--but mostly sad. I don't know who to turn to either. My mom is usually great to talk to, but she just gave me sound advice and laid out the truth like it really is--in the sweetest, most motherly-concerned way possible. But that's not what I wanted to hear. A lot of what she said just made me cry more. I just wanted someone to tell me that I'm not alone and that I can do it and that everything will be okay (whether all of that is the truth or not....)
So I texted Racheal. She called me and we talked on the phone for the first time. I freaking love that girl. She made me feel a lot better. And coming from her, all the stuff she said really meant something to me. Because, not only has she been there, she's really BEEN THERE when it comes to my situation. Same guy. Same frustrations. Only it was harder for her because she has two from him. She's a trooper and I really admire her. Ray is not an easy person to deal with.
It sucks that he can just walk away from this. And he'll probably never look back. Just thinking about the plans we made....he was going to cut the cord. Heh. Guess that's not happening...
It is comforting to know that his parents want to be there for Gabriel though. And to know that my family is supportive as well.
It's just hard to swallow the fact that my child's father doesn't care and doesn't want to care. It's up to me to be mommy and daddy. By myself. Until the day possibly comes that I meet someone...but who is going to want me? I'm a package deal now...