Monday, August 24, 2009

At last

I wrote my very last letter to Ray today. I'm done. Finally. I can close that chapter of my life. I said goodbye to him forever.

After writing the letter, I felt freed. I felt liberated. Like I finally took out some trash that was overflowing and starting to smell... I felt ecstatic!

Now that it has sunk in, I feel an odd mixture of emotion. I still feel like a weight has been lifted. And I still feel happy because my emotional ties to Ray were really dragging me down. But like I said, now that it has sunk in, I feel all of that mixed with a little sadness. And that's not even the right word. It's the mourning feeling that I had before when I grieved about losing "the real Ray" . Letting go of him--completely now--churns up memories...

I experienced life differently with him. That's both good and bad. I did things I never thought I would have ever done--which is, again, both good and bad. I felt such strong emotion on every end of the spectrum. I have been both very weak and very strong. I felt a lot of unnecessary guilt and hurt. I have also felt a lot of naive, misplaced happiness and trust and hope. I was built up in the very best of ways. I was also torn down--in the very worst of ways. I don't think he hurt me on purpose though.

So letting go is bitter-sweet. I feel so strange. Quite literally, half of me wants to celebrate and the other half really wants to cry. I am stuck in a weird sort of limbo. I'm not sure how or where to place my emotion(s) and state of mind.

I can only hope that I will one day find a man that will give me the respect, love, trust, honesty, and devotion that I strive my hardest to always give in a relationship. Until then, it's just me and Gabriel.

So I guess I'm neither happy nor sad. I feel I can safely say that I am....content.

I'm starting something new. I'm adding a playlist to my blog. (And don't worry--I've set it so it won't auto-start. You will not be forced to listen to my music. LOL) I will add songs to it gradually and paste it to the bottom of each post that I feel the urge to associate music with. Music is such a huge part of my life. I tie music to everything. That is both a blessing and a curse, as so many songs now carry with them a heavy emotional attachment--and not always positive/happy. Anyway, as I feel a song is particularly relevant to what I am feeling or experiencing in life, I will add it to the playlist. I will also, in the post that comes at the time of adding it, include the lyrics to the song (since the lyrics are usually why I chose it). You will soon discover that my taste in music is somewhat eclectic...

So here's the first of probably many to come:

I'm Movin' On
by Rascal Flatts

I've dealt with my ghosts
And I've faced all my demons
Finally content
With a past I regret

I've found you find strength
In your moments of weakness
For once I'm at peace with myself

I've been burdened with blame
Trapped in the past for too long

I'm movin on...

I've lived in this place
And I know all the faces
Each one is different
But they're always the same

They mean me no harm
But it's time that I face it
They'll never allow me to change

But I never dreamed "home"
Would end up where I don't belong

I'm movin' on...

I'm movin on
At last I can see
Life has been patiently waiting for me
And I know
There's no guarantees
But I'm not alone

There comes a time
In everyone's life
When all you can see are the years passin' by
And I
Have made up my mind
That those days are gone

I sold what I could
And packed what I couldn't
Stopped to fill up
On my way out of town

I've loved like I should
But lived like I shouldn't
I had to lose everything to find out

Maybe forgiveness will find me
Somewhere down this road

I'm movin' on...

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1 comment:

  1. Its all good! No worries! Just smile and be proud of what you have and show it all off to the world. =0) No one is ever disappointed in someone who is giving life all it has to offer!