Don’t freak out--Ray isn’t dead. Not in a literal sense, at least.
I was talking to a good friend about how I was feeling concerning Ray the other day, and she said something that really helped me sort things out in my head and my heart.
I had told her that this whole situation with Ray was really taking a toll on my emotional well-being. It is upsetting to me, what he is doing with his life. It’s very sad and hard for me to not have any contact with him at all--to not know if he is alright or if he is ever going to be around ever again--especially since I am pregnant with OUR son. I told her that I’m angry with myself for being sad about him. I hate that I feel this way about someone who very obviously does NOT care about me in the least bit!!
And that’s when she said it. It has really helped me put everything in perspective and process what is going on with this part of my life.
She said, “Ashley, don’t be angry for feeling sad. You may not realize it, but you have lost someone that you cared deeply about. It’s like a death--you need to let yourself mourn. Process all of this emotion and then move on.” And she was exactly right.
I know how to approach this now. I feel like this is a better perspective to have because it is less destructive because it doesn't hurt me or make me angry.
Ray - my Ray, “RayBear”...my bear… - the Ray I knew and loved is gone. The Ray I met in Florida, the one who swept me off my feet and made me feel like I was the only thing in the world that mattered, the one who treated me like the rarest and most precious of gemstones, the one who did everything in his power to protect me from any threat, the one who offered me his whole heart, who showed me the very deepest of his emotions, who cried and laughed and walked the grassy, tree-lined trails and watched it rain with me. THAT Ray. My Ray. My Bear….is no longer with me.
I will miss his kisses, his touch, the way he looked at me (and how it made me feel), how it felt to have his arms wrapped around me. I will miss the way he laughed and made me laugh. I will miss witnessing his tender, sweet side when he played with Lily and neighborhood animals and pets. I will miss his endless need to constantly cuddle at night (though it was sometimes too much! haha) and his “kiss face”. I’ll never forget the times he cooked for me or the times he surprised me with a small gift. I will always remember the days that we spent with just the two of us--watching movies, playing games, going on walks, lying on the bed listening to music for hours, or just simply talking the whole day and into the night and wee hours of the next morning.
I don’t know if or when I’ll ever see “RayBear” again. Maybe never. It seems I have lost him to a world of anger and resentment and confusion. It’s hard to say exactly when it was that he began to slip away (or why that happened). I am sad about it all the time--sometimes just somewhere in the back of my head, and sometimes at the very forefront of all I can think about. I would hear a song that he loved or one that we listened to in the car -a lot of songs remind me of him- and I’d just break down and cry. I thought my heart was tearing in half some days. I thought the sadness I felt and the lump in my throat that made it hard to talk and breathe would never go away. It hurts even more to think that this is the father of my child. That my son may never meet the man that I loved who helped bring him into this world. It breaks my heart to think of things like that.
Ray, like everyone, has his ups and downs. When things were good, they were awesome. He had the ability to make everything seem golden. I loved that about him. I guess I can take comfort in knowing that I got to see the better side of him. I feel lucky to have had the privilege to meet THAT Ray.
The very best of him.
The very best of men.
To “my bear”. You will be missed. I hope to see my Ray again someday.