Tuesday, February 17, 2009

In the dust

I feel funny. Weird. Hard to explain.

I broke up with Ray for good on Saturday (yes, I know--Valentine's Day. I'm a bitch, I guess.) I know it was the right thing for me. I wasn't happy. I deserve to be happy. Right? He keeps asking me if I'm sure I don't want to work things out--he asks me every day!! Every time I answer him, I feel horrible because I feel like I'm breaking up with him all over again. It breaks his heart and I hate to see that. He can be really cool and he's not all bad, you know? We're just not right for each other. We don't work as a couple. But that doesn't mean I want to see him sad. So it's hard right now. He still lives here at my dad's house (he asked my dad if he could stay here until he found a place to live) but we moved into separate bedrooms.

I guess I just need someone to tell me I made the right decision. I need more of a support system and I don't really have that here (in Texas). It's depressing. I have an extremely small handfull of friends here and I don't really see them all that often. I want to go back to Utah. I AM going back to Utah. I just need to get a job and save the money to do it. And therein lies the problem. A job. Ugh. I hate not working, don't get me wrong. I feel lazy when I'm not working. Plus, having a paycheck coming in feels nice. Being able to buy things when I need/want them is always good. I feel so...blah. I mean I should feel motivated right now, shouldn't I? I should be pumped and out there knocking down doors to get interviews! The sooner I get a job, the sooner I can go back to Utah! But that's another problem.

Every time I log onto my facebook account, another friend (almost all of them are in Utah--hence the issue) is getting married or having a baby or whatever. I mean, I've done the married thing but....man, I sorta feel left out. Even if I moved to Utah, hooked up with Mr. Right, and got married again, I wouldn't want to have kids RIGHT away. But there's where I'm warring with myself. I really want a family. It's what I was made to do. I'm supposed to have babies. Not that I'm saying that's ALL I'm supposed to do, but that is my purpose, really. Having kids will be the greatest, most meaningful thing I can do in my life. I want to. Part of me says "Do it ASAP!" and the other part says, "You're freaking crazy--there are SO many things to do before settling down and having kids! Plus, you're going to scare the men away..." (LOL) If/when I marry again, I will probably want to have a few "us" years before I have children. But I know that whole time I'm going to be baby hungry. And then there's the fact that most of my friends have already started having kids now. Not that it's a race or a competition, but I feel a little left out. Everyone's starting to enjoy the world of parenthood and I'm chillin' here in singlesville wondering what the hell to do with myself.

*exasperated sigh* I'm a crazy person, aren't I? No. If I was crazy, I wouldn't KNOW I was crazy. I'm just in a huge slump. I keep hearing that song in my head "I want you to want me. I need you to need me. I'd love you to love me. I'm beggin' you to beg me...." but I don't really have a 'you' right now. I want a 'you' that treats me the way I should be treated. So it's all that, but I want 'someone' to want me, etc. I want to feel loved--truly loved. I want to be appreciated and cherished. Why can't I have that?

I just want to be happy. Is that too much to ask? I'm not asking to be rich or famous or to have 'things'--I just want happiness. That's it. Nothing else matters in the world as long as I'm happy and healthy.






  1. you're not crazy and you SHOULD move back to utah, that is all.

  2. thats so true, you deserve to be happy. whatever you feel is happy, do it! I love you!!