Wednesday, April 16, 2008

Emotional Staring Mode

I'm upset. To say the least.

I feel used and disrespected. That hurts me, but pisses me off even more. I hate feeling this way. I haven't felt like this is a while, though, so I guess I've been emotionally starved of this state of mind for a while. Not that I need this to survive or to be sustained. But I think something in me likes this. I'm pissed off, but I don't want to not be. I don't want to be cheered up. I want to sort of soak in this. Is that twisted or what? It's like when you go into staring mode and you just can't stop starting. Even if you're staring at a person and it's making them uncomfortable--you just shift your gaze and continue staring because it just feels so damned good. You know what I mean? It just feels good to be pissed off right now. Aaaaannnnd - I'm rambling.

I knew this guy--met him the summer of '05 (if you know me, there are still so many possibilities of who it could be--you may never know....ahh the summer of '05.....). He was just awesome. Loved him. Not LOVE love, but just adored the guy. He was so fun and just all-around awesome. He pulled me into a whole other world for a while. A world I knew of, but was never a part of until I met him. He was just amazing.

Time went by and we grew apart. Our friendship faded. It upset me because I never wanted that to happen. I thought our relationship (be it friend or otherwise...you'll never figure out who I'm talking about...ha ha...) could and would span the gap between the world he introduced me to and the world I returned to after a time. I guess I was wrong.

I can only handle so much of that world. I'm not quite cut out for it. It was great while it lasted, but I just couldn't fake it--and you have to constantly be willing to do that to stay in that little universe of theirs. I was always me. In or out--always me. I was too much for it. And not enough. I can't keep up with that. But still--we could have still been friends, right? In or out, still friends? Nope.

He left me in the dust. I see him in passing now and then. He doesn't give me the time of day. Am I not enough? or too much? or am I invisible? I don't know. Maybe he could explain to me what it is that keeps me in a whole other dimension. I really don't want to care--about him, his friendship, his life, or his wellbeing. I don't want to. But I do. I'm tired of it.

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