Tuesday, September 13, 2005

La-Dee-Da My Sweet Cream Soda Pop....!!

Hahahaha!! Everyone who has been to girls camp (or at least KoHoLoWo) now has that song in their head! I am awesome!
So anyway, last weekend was okay, I guess. Elliott's Assassin Played a show at Starry Night with The Eden Express and, the headlining band, Volition. As always, I did EA's photography. Volition asked me to take pictures for them as well. I ended up doing it for TEE too. So I took a LOT of pictures Friday night. 502 to be exact. It was a great show though. Even though Starry Night is sort of a whole in the wall.... Elliott's Assassin released a new song and revamped the beginning of the show. It's awesome. I LOVE their new song. Volition's new music video is out now. It's pretty cool. That and the fact that the singer's (Todd) older brother was in town was the reason why the show was put together.  You can see the EA and Volition pictures from the Starry Night show by clicking on the Photo Albums link in my plugins.
So today I did absolutely NOTHING and it felt sooooo good. Well, I lied, I made my car payment and did some laundry....but I only lef the house once--to get something out of the trunk of my car.
I think I'm going to look for another job. The suspension from my current job is still ongoing. I don't really like this job, anyway. Well, I like the job, but I hate the management. They srew up the schedules all the time, I always get screwed out of tips and hours, and I'm tired of customers being pissed because we ran out of something like baked potatoes or salmon--those are just a few of the reasons I'm gonna tell Meadow she can take this job and shove it where the sun doesn't dare even take a peek...
Just to clear everything up--Jason isn't my boyfriend. We are dating. Just like Neil and I were dating. Just like I will probably be "just dating" for a while. Guys are....retarded. No offense to the few of you who aren't and are reading this. Maybe it's just me. Looking back at relationships I have had in the past, I see that. I have realized a lot from looking back and analyzing myself and my past...I have had one, maybe two relationships that I was actually, honestly serious about. The rest were.....crap. Because of how I grew up, I crave companionship. I make myself think that things are more serious than they are. But they really aren't. The truth is, I lie to myself to alleviate my subconcious pain and quench that stupid (also subconcious) "need" for a connection with another person of the opposite sex. Here's the truth: (1) I don't need companionship right now (at least not a "boyfriend"), (2) I don't want it, (3) I'm not sure WHAT I want, (4) I don't even trust myself anymore when it comes to my choice(s) in men.
My mom has been married four times. I was witness to all of the crap possible in a relationship. I remember staying up late at night, listening to my mom cry herself to sleep because of the choices she made in men. I watched the abuse and the yelling and the fighting and the games and the crying and the pain. Who was there for all of it? Me. Because I was the "oldest". Who did mom cry to and vent to when the "honeymoon phase" was over and her newfound hubby went psycho? Me. I had to grow up at age eight due to an absentee father and the fact that my mom had to work all of the time to support us. So, yes--now I have a pretty warped view of "love" and life. I am, though it may not seem so, afraid of  love and relationships and men. I don't trust people. I don't trust myself. I can't trust that there is someone out there who won't hurt me. Maybe I'll never find that....Maybe I'm totally messed up. We can thank my mother for that.....
Speaking of gratitude, I would like to thank Kelly for saying it so well:
I will not make the same mistakes that you did
I will not let myself
Cause my heart so much misery
I will not break the way you did,
You fell so hard
I've learned the hard way
To never let it get that far

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid

I lose my way
And it's not too long before you point it out
I cannot cry
Because I know that's weakness in your eyes
I'm forced to fake
A smile, a laugh everyday of my life
My heart can't possibly break
When it wasn't even whole to start with

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid

I watched you die
I heard you cry every night in your sleep
I was so young
You should have known better than to lean on me
You never thought of anyone else
You just saw your pain
And now I cry in the middle of the night
For the same damn thing

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I try my hardest just to forget everything
Because of you
I don't know how to let anyone else in
Because of you
I'm ashamed of my life because it's empty
Because of you
I am afraid

Because of you
Because of you
That song says it all. Literally. There isn't a line in that song that I couldn't have written truthfully about myself or my mother. I love her for what she has done for me. I also dislike her for what she has done to me....

*Imported from my first blog on mindsay.com*

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