Thursday, August 11, 2005

Relationship stress - Who needs it? Not me.....

Oh goodnes....where do I start?
I have been thinking a lot about mine and Spencer's relationship lately. It's good, but it could be better. The communication problems are just getting worse because they aren't being solved. It's stressing me out, and it shouldn't. Relationships shouldn't stress you out - unless you're married. But that's the only exception. At this point--where we're dating and stuff - the whole boyfriend and girlfriend thing - everything should be breezey and fun and lighthearted and all of that good stuff. We should just enjoy each other. But lately we've been arguing about random, dumb stuff. It's stupid. There are some things that he does (that I won't specify at this point) that I don't like--he knows that I don't like it. But he does it anyway. So the only way I can interpret his actions is that he either doesn't listen to what I say, or that he doesn't care. I know he listens to what I say because he tells me all the time, "I know you don't like it..." blah blah blah. So he doesn't care. Sorry, but I don't want a boyfriend who doesn't care. So today I'm going to talk to him. I'm just going to tell him that I think he's confused and that he doesn't know what he wants (me or ****) - he has to choose because he can't have both. So he needs to make a choice. What's more important to him? I'm not asking him to change for me. I don't want that at all. But he needs to make a choice and let me know. If he wants to continue doing the things that he's doing and continue with that kind of lifestyle, that's fine - but he'll have to do it without me.
Here's the other thing: Do I feel the way about him that I think I do? Really? I see other guys and think they're cute or whatever, and that's fine. Just because you're on a diet doesn't mean you can't look at the menu, right? But my friend says that's playing with fire. Another friend says you can look as long as you don't touch--which I very much agree with. But what if I want  to touch? Well, that sounds so bad/gross when I say it like that... I mean, what if I look, like, and want more? But I shouldn't! I have a boyfriend!, I tell myself. So I slap my hand and move on. I was talking to my mom the other day (we're in a good phase right now, so I take adavantage of that and talk to her while we're friends) and SHE says "Ashley - you're young. You should have fun and date around. Don't tie yourself down too soon. When it's the right person, you'll know for sure." Okay.....
So I'm torn. There's this big part of me that loves Spencer to death and would love nothing more than to spend the rest of my life with him. (sounds scary, eh?) - I think that's my heart. But you're heart can be blinded and very stupid at times. Then there's this other part of me that says, "Ashley - your mom is right. You're young. Don't settle down too soon. Don't settle at all. Obviously you don't feel the way you think you do, or you wouln't be lookin at other guys the way you do. Besides, he is ******** and ******* - you don't want that in your life. Just let go. There are plenty of fish in the sea, and you have a few that are already biting." I think that's my head. So my head and my heart are disagreeing. Not good. A wise man once said, "When your mind and your heart agree, Ashley, then you will know that what you are doing is right." (Patriarch Smith) So it tears me up inside to have to do it, but I think I'm going to....do....it.....today.......oh man this sucks....

*Imported from my first blog on mindsay.com*

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