Wednesday, February 16, 2005

Just do me a favor and shoot me.... >.<

Ugh. Okay, today totally sucks. First, I wake up sick. Then, I go to school and Greg isn't too happy with me. Which is understandable. There's this kid that...well....sort of kissed me. HE kissed ME. There's not much I can do when a kid who can bench three of me just leans over and kisses me. I didn't know what to do. The worst part is that I didn't tell Greg and now he feels like he can't trust me. Which I totally understand. I wouldn't trust me either. I didn't tell him, though, because I still like Greg. I dont' know how explain the way my retarded brain works. I guess it's that Greg started treating me....I don't know. He didn't treat me badly, but then he didn't treat me very well either. I was hurt. I didn't know what was wrong or why he was being that way. What could I think except that he didn't like me? And thinking that hurt even worse than the way he was treating me. All of the sudden there was this void. It sucked. I like Greg a lot. You know that by past postings. So to be in that situation really hurt. I liked him a lot and he, apparently, didn't want to have anything to do with me anymore. So what now? So now there's this other kid that I like. If Greg hates me for whatever reason, there's nothing I can do about it. But the other kid (lets call him......Ben) likes me. It feels good to be liked. Anyone can agree with that. So when the person you like a lot apparently stops liking you and you don't know why and this other kid that you kinda like likes you back, you're gonna gravitate toward the kid that likes you. So "Ben" and I talk a lot about a lot of things. He can relate to me in a lot of ways because we grew up in the same circumstances. We talked about life, our childhoods, common friends, etc. It was cool. We didn't really hang out a lot. We just talked. So one night we were talking and..he..just...kissed me. I didn't know what to do. I didn't even know if anything needed to be done. I mean, I hadn't done anything. Much less anything wrong. And then I get to school today and find out that Greg is upset because we had something more than just friendship. Okay! Fine! I didn't know that. I was unaware that the way he was acting meant "I still like you, don't mind the way I treat you." So now everything sucks. What do I do? Greg says he's mostly upset that I didn't tell him. ("I thought you could trust me enough to tell me something like that." ) Okay, I understand that. But I don't know what's going on inside Greg's head. My biggest thing is that Greg just doesn't understand. It's not like I was just going to walk up to him and say "Hey Greg, guess what? Blah blah blah..." when I thought that he didn't even want to talk to me anymore. I do trust Greg. And I love talking to him. I just wasn't at the point where I felt like we could be talking about everything. Not because of anything I had created, but because of how he was acting. So now I'm stuck in this really cruddy position where Greg feels the way he feels and there's nothing I can do about it. He may feel that way forever. So maybe I screwed things up. I probably did. I can kinda' see both sides of the situation. He feels like he'll never be able to trust me again and that he was betrayed or whatever. But I don't think he understands why things happened the way they did. Now I know how Ross felt in that episode of Friends where he and Rachael were "on a break". Except a 'break' and thinking the guy doesn't want to have anything to do with you for whatever reason are two very different things. If Greg and I were on a "break", I could see why he would be so upset. But I honestly thought that he didn't anything anymore. What's the use of protecting something that you don't even think is there anymore? Do you understand? Does any of this even make sense? I hope so. If I had known that Greg still liked me and that his retarded jerk attitude was just temporary, things would have gone a lot differently. But, like I have said too many times already, I didn't know he still liked me--I thought quite the opposite--and the silent, cold, unkind Greg didn't exactly create a warm, fuzzy feeling. Ugh. High School sucks and so does everything associated with it. Alright, I'm done with this. Screw everything.

*Imported from my first blog on*

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