Friday, October 1, 2004

Continuing to figure out what it's all about....


Oh man. I am so freaking tired, it's not even funny. I want to crawl into bed and never come out. Ugh.

Today was...boring, I guess. Except that my awesome-good friend, Jared, from St Louis came to visit me! But I had school, so that kind of sucked. He came to all of my classes with me. Poor kid. The only cool ones were 2nd and 5th period. Wait--scratch that. Second period sucked. I tore my hand open on a pipe. It hurt. Bad.

Anyway, I am at a weird stage in my life right now. I'm not even sure if I know how to explain it. It's really confusing at some parts. First, I am okay not having a boyfriend. That's weird for me. Ever since my parents got divorced, I never got any attention. (Not that I'm spoiled and I need a ton of attention.) It was just that my dad was never around and my mother had to work a lot to keep us fed and clothed. That meant that I was "mom" to my brother and sister. I was in charge most of the time. I was giving, giving, giving, and it felt like I wasn't getting anything back. So that brings me back to the boy thing. as soon as I realised that you could like boys and they could like you back, I thought I had a solution to my problem. Even being liked is attention, right? It feels good to be in a relationship and to have that attention and love. That was something that I always craved, and, through boys, I got it. Not in a bad way, by any means. But I always had a "boyfriend" (I put it in quotes because I'm talkin' since like fourth grade) or a crush of some sort. Always. And now this brings me back to my "I'm okay not having a boyfriend" topic. I always needed/wanted that attention (and got it easily) in the past. But now, it's not that big of a deal. I just broke up with my boyfriend, but I'm okay. There are some people that I like and that I think like me, but I could take it or leave it at this point. Do you understand what I'm saying? I'm just not one for words tonight, I guess. That's probably because it's almost 2 AM. I'm going to finish this another time. Goodnight.

*Imported from my first blog on mindsay.com*

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