Monday, September 27, 2004

There is no more "US" for Mark and I...


Well, I have been avoiding this....I broke up with my boyfriend (Mark) of over a year. You know the guy I've been head over heels about since the beginning of this thing? Well, he cheated on me. It broke my heart. I didn't know what to do when I found out... I was devastated. All of those songs that you hear on the radio about cheating lovers, I never thought I would be able to relate to. Apparently I was wrong. At first, I didn't know what to do. My father cheated on my mother, and it tore our family apart. Mark knew that. He knew how much it would hurt me if that ever happened. I guess he just wasn't thinking.... but that's just the point. If he loved me as much as he said he did, he would always be thinking, right? Wrong again, apparently.

So, for the first little bit, I was totally lost. Well, lost in that I had no idea what/how to feel. I didn't know what to do. My future that I thought I had with him was now shattered. How can you spend the rest of your life with someone that you can't trust? You can't! It just doesn't work that way. It could never be the same, I decided. So I had to end it. It wouldn't be fair to me to stay in a relationship like that. I know now that he feels bad and is really sorry for what he did. But that doesn't just make things all better. I think that this is good for him. He has a lot of thinking to do. He really is an awesome guy. I'll love him forever. I think that this is a learning experience for him.

Another thing is that he thinks that we're supposed to be together. I thought that for a long time too. But now that I'm out of the relationship, I can see all of the things that I refused to see when I was in it. I can look at the relationship from the outside in. They always say that hindsight is 20/20. When we were dating, I would pray about things (like if we were supposed to be together), but I always had my emotions in the way. I  think that I wanted one answer so bad that I just refused to hear it any other way. I thought I was getting the right answer, but I was just biased. I don't even know if that's the right word for it. I learned a lot of things from this experience with Mark. One of them being trust. Not in people or the world, but in the Lord. I learned that, when I pray, I need to trust the Lord. He knows what he's doing. I had to learn to hand myself over to Him and let him guide me. I had to learn to set my pride aside and just hand everything over to the Lord. There is a scripture that says, "Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart and ye shall find rest unto your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light" (Matt 11: 28-30) That scripture means a lot to me now. I was struggling with this relationship for a while, wondering if I was making the right choice. There were things about Mark and I that I didn't like and wanted to change. It became a constant battle with myself and eventually became a burden that I couldn't carry anymore. It got too hard. I think that, after all of my praying, this is the answer that finally had to come. I was too stubborn to take it any other way, I think. This is the only way that the Lord knew I would take it and make the right decision. I'm not saying that Mark is a bad guy, by any means. He's totally awesome, and I forgive him for doing what he did. He treated me really good and would never do anything to hurt me intentionally. He just has a lot of things to figure out. I think it's better this way. I think that there is someone out there that will be better for him than I ever could be (even though he doesn't think so). We will be best friends forever.

*Imported from my first blog on mindsay.com*

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