Wednesday, August 18, 2004

I'm back

Wow. I can't believe I'am actually here. It's weird. Sort of like a dream. One of those really realistic ones. It feels like I have been gone forever. At the same time, though, it feels like I was never gone, so it doesn't feel like I'm "back". I don't know how to explain it. It's a weird feeling. So much happened while I was gone. I was talking to Greg about it while sitting under a freeway overpass last night. Greg and I have been friends for quite a long time. Almost as long as Kara and me. He was in the original "group". Anyway, so we were talking about this last night. Well, not really talking, seeing as how I didn't really have the words to describe my thoughts (and I still don't). But sort of discussing the matter. A lot happened while I was in St Louis. A lot of things changed without me. Life just went on. It was too hard to hang on to the sadness of my absence, so we all just pretended that the whole situation didn't exist. I guess I still hung on to it though. It was harder for me than it was for them. They still had each other. I had no one. I had nothing. I was stuck in a foriegn place with no escape. I could do nothing about my misery. I hated Missouri, and I was determined to continue on that way until I could get back home. Eventually, that became very draining, so I just embraced it. But the memories of Utah and friends and everything else still lingered. I held on to everything. For me, life as I knew it had paused and I went to an alternate universe for a while. No one else paused with/for me though. I don't blame them. I can't expect everyone to put everything on hold forever. It still sucks that everything just kept moving without me and I could do nothing about it. So, being back after more than a year proves to be a happy time. I get to start back where I left off. There is one thing that bothers me, though. Everyone just pretends like nothing ever happened and I was never gone (to an extent). Which is fine in some ways. But what about what happened to me? What about my life? I have to catch up on what happened here, but what about what happened to me? I don't know. Maybe I'm selfish.

*Imported from my first blog on*

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