Friday, June 18, 2004

Nothing works, but life still rolls on

No matter how hard I try not to be, I’m still sad about Mark being gone. I try not to think about it, but the memories and thoughts of him keep swimming around in my mind. Having spent almost every day in his company, I find that everything around me reminds me of him. All of my surroundings bring to mind some memory of him and me. I can’t even get away from the feeling by going for a drive because, so many times, that is what Mark and I did. We drove and talked. I was going to get on the freeway today and the way to his house branches off of that street. I cried when I saw that street. Just the street to his house. It is hard to let go. I have so many pictures of him everywhere too. When he was here, they were just pictures. Now they are treasures. They brings tears, though. Walking around my house, I find myself remembering some bout of laughter that occurred here and there or a kiss that was shared in another spot. It is the little things that I miss and remember the most. The vision of the way he curled up and laughed at me when I was pretending to be mad at him for teasing me. The way he looked when he played with legos with his little brothers. The times he drug me down the toy isle at Wal Mart to see if they had any new Dub City cars that he didn’t have. The way he smelled. The way it felt when he wrapped his big arms around me, making me feel secure-like there was nothing in the world except for me and him. It’s those little things like the sound of his laughter and hearing him bless the sacrament at church that I remember most. Not the time he took me to Homecoming or Prom and spent a bunch of money on me, or the times that we went on big day-long dates. It is the small things in between. The cute glances and winks I got when we were both peeking during prayer. The feeling of him brushing his leg against mine under the table during dinner with my family (or his) just to let me know that he was thinking about only me at that moment. Those things. And it is those things that make me cry because that is forever what I will miss.

Despite all of that, however, I am having an okay summer. My stepdad’s kids are here. They’re not so bad. I share a room with Amanda (she’s 14). Amanda’s cool. She reads a lot and she has been really cool about letting me talk (I should say yap and cry) endlessly about Mark for the past two days. I’m glad she is so tolerant of me. Adam and Alex are fun too. Alex has spinal bifida. It’s very complicated to explain. Basically, Al can’t really walk. He crawls around (except for when we go places—then he uses his wheelchair). Al has this really weird habit of showing up unexpectedly in strange places, like right behind doors that you just opened. He just looks at you wide-eyed and says “Oh. Hi.” with a giant grin on his face. It’s kinda creepy sometimes. But I love Al—he’s a cutie. Adam is awesome. I’m only about five months older than him. He and I have a lot in common. We hang out a lot. We have recently joined in the quest to find a job. We haven’t been too successful yet, but we’re gonna keep trying.

Last night we (Adam, Amanda, Candace and her two friends Barbara and Kaydee, and me) pranked our ward missionaries. It was hilarious. The missionaries are always at the Downey’s (a family in our ward—Candace and I are friends with their kids, Jared and Barbara) on Sundays, P Day, and/or when they’re done tracting and have nothing better to do. So we invited them over to “play Risk” with us last night at the Downey’s. When they got there, we told them we were going to get Casey (Kaydee’s sister). But we didn’t really go and get Casey. We went to the missionaries’ house and did a good (cleanable) trashing. We mostly wrote on their windows and sidewalk with green (Hulk) syrup and window paint. It was hilarious. I wonder how they reacted when they went home last night.

Anyway, I’m gonna leave this entry as it stands. It’s kinda’ long. Oh well. I gotta go anyway. I have things to do, people to see, and businesses to call back about my applications! Time is short and so am I!

*Imported from my first blog on*

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